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So I can't sleep. I feel weird. I feel anti-social. Even hearing Becca's birthday party over the phone while talking to Kit made me feel off. Not sure why I get like this sometimes. There are so many things I should be happy about and could be listing and all I can think of is how little I want to be near more than one person at a time right now. GAH I'm an odd ball.

So, here's the good things before I get too down. I entered the local Addy Awards for the American Advertising Federation. I entered three pieces. My Zoo poster took a bronze, my City Peeps poster took a bronze, and my City Peeps logo took a silver. Still not sure why I ended up with a gold award, but there ya go. Got a rough cut of Greg's short film done. Looking good so far. I'm apparently a fairly good director. I'm going to see Kit next weekend for Valentine's Day.

Ok, seriously, what's wrong with me? Why am I so anxious right now? Why am I suffering from anxiety so bad? I feel bored, but I can't think of things to do. AND I need to find a tutorial for photoshop to do to turn in this week for class on Monday AND I need to get my photo essay done. Is that it? Is it school work that's bugging me? Or is there something more? Is there a grain of sand in my shell that's trying to get turned into a pearl?

Something dawned on me tonight. As of April 23rd I'll have been doing webcomics for ten years. The event will pass with no fanfare and no special events. No one will comment and there will be no special podcasts or interviews for it. That's because, in a lot of ways, I'm no further along now than I was then. The only thing that's changed is the series and I actually seem to have fewer readers now than I did back in the Kota's World days. Ten years is a long time. I suppose, really, that I've been entertaining myself more than anything. I've made precious little money and gotten fewer reviews than a bad Riker/Geordi/Data slash-fic. There are times when I wonder why I keep doing what I'm doing, but then I know the answer. Leggette once told me that I'm Kevin. Not Kevin the web cartoonist, or Kevin the artist but that's really not true. I hate to say it, but I AM defined by this. We are defined by our actions, and I really don't have any other options any more. If I don't then I'll always be "just a stockguy". I suppose the comics are a way of fooling myself into thinking I'm more than that and I can feel important. Well, if that's the way it is then let the charade continue. The ball is still going, the band is still playing, and it's time to get my mask back on. Shall we dance?

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February 2010

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